Episode 30: Putting Yourself Back Together: How to Create Mental and Emotional Space to Divest

By now you may be trying to figure out who you are. You might feel lost. You might be struggling to find yourself. You have no idea who, what, or where feels like home right now. Your pleas to God remain unheard. And if God has heard you, your pleas remain unacted upon.

Among all Black people and for nearly everything, Black women are held responsible. We are seen as guilty for things we did not do, things we no longer do, or things someone begged us to do.

What is it about Black men and Black people when it comes to Black women?

Black people shame you for the pain you feel on account of our men even though we agree that many of our communities are impacted by their crime and a lack of stability. To many Black men, Black women are naturally the worst people on the planet. The same would never be tolerated by the entirety of women in any other racial group.

Reclaim Yourself

As Black women, we must reclaim our autonomy.

Doing so requires us to embrace a new narrative that isn’t defined by a culture of abuse or betrayal. From now on, you can become anyone you want.

You no longer have to accept being victimized by your own people.

You can choose a commitment to your own well-being.

Rejecting what is harmful to you is your right.

In your divestment journey, you will have to reassemble your life. Many times, this will require you to confront your deepest hurts as your awareness increases. You will learn things you had always assumed were normal were only normal to you because there was dysfunction in your life.

You have to acknowledge all of your pain. You have to validate what happened to you by allowing yourself to feel your hurt and sadness, fully and honestly. This will shed light on the dark trauma many in the community have caused you and seem to expect you to perpetually endure.

And you must accept the impact of all of this, even if the impact for you has been clinical.

After you accept what is going on and express your pain about it, you must move on. You must plan your exit. If you can physically relocate to a new or private place, this will help you a great deal.

Start defining what your life will look like, what will happen in it, and so on. You love yourself now. Don’t subject your future self to the consequences of your present inaction.

Build a future which — by the time you arrive — isn’t rooted in consequential suffering.

You really do deserve to experience a life better than this.

By all accounts, you’ve more than earned it.

Regrouping After You Leave

In order to protect the person you are becoming, safeguard your mental and physical space. Avoid people if you need to. Set new boundaries or leave others that don’t help you behind.

Keep in mind that whoever you turn out to be at the end of this process could be good or bad.

But you will have done your work. You will have formed and tested yourself by questioning everything you know. Begin aligning your new life with whatever remains.

Building your confidence takes time, so try not to focus too much on returning to an unimpacted state. Right now, this time is about learning to integrate your new knowledge into a personal strategy for a remarkable life.

Source: @HealthyGamerGG

When you realize there’s no winning

Sometimes there are reasons why we can’t disassociate from the worst of our families and of our cultures.

Before considering a spending time with someone, determine if this person has done actual work to be accountable for themselves. If they haven’t, they’re simply wasting your time.

Learning how to spot empty promises or a lack of effort can help you avoid being lured into dysfunctional cycles.

Reuniting with toxic people

Wondering whether you should resume a relationship with a person you know has toxic problems? Ask yourself whether your urge to reconnect is rooted in fear, love, or loneliness. Fear of the unknown or the discomfort of being alone could be prompting you to feel this way, rather than a genuine belief that your relationship with this person has improved.

If you do choose to proceed, have very clear boundaries and a backup plan in place.

You will ultimately need the courage to walk away or to find purpose within the chaos.