Once you’ve self-assessed you realize you’re not the problem, it’s time to accept some uncomfortable truths about Western Black men: They expect an endless number of chances to make you think less of yourself.
Regardless of your achievements or professional status, these men will not think twice to test the limits of disrespect. Humiliating us in music and social media has become their communal sport.
Cultural Expectations of Personal Sacrifice
Our culture seems to require that Black women hurt ourselves in order to properly love and be loved by Black men. This cultural burden — and the demand from our culture for women to sacrifice themselves while men never have to — causes Black women deep emotional and psychological pain. Black women continue to be the strength in our families and intimate relationships, even when being so requires we give everything we have.
I wonder.
The kind of men who prioritize their families are the kind of men Black men hate, but who see women and children as assets. These men then raise more men who embrace building their communities and who value marriage. Of all the people who know that Black lives matter, it doesn’t actually seem to be Black men.
It bugs me to consider.
Winning and Self-Belief
No matter what any man assumes, men have a much easier time skirting their responsibilities when they’re inclined to avoid them.
All men are not predisposed to doing this. But you cannot as a woman lower the bar for yourself and continue to live well by being a terrible, outrageous, or deeply flawed person the way a man can. Other women and men will see to it that you receive your karma.
To build belief in yourself, it’s better to confront your flaws, obligations, and doubts head-on, including those you see in your relationships, and navigate these challenges gracefully and successfully. Over time, you’ll develop more confidence and a much more positive attitude toward yourself. You’ll feel better than you have in a long time.
Identity and Comparison
Has the Black man in your life ever accused you of being spoiled or white-acting, only to date the first white or Asian woman who wants him?
Even when married and productive Black women can always count on Black men accusing us of being disgraceful representations of something “ghetto” or of what a “baby mom” is. It is in their best interest that nothing happens to threaten their maladaptive, superficial personas.
Black men, particularly those from America or who are expats from their countries, seem to have a pathological need for validation at the expense of Black women and are preoccupied with appearing unfazed by white wealth and status standards. In reality, they are hypocrites who will exploit any woman and any system in order to live this well themselves.
Black men deny accountability because they see suffering as an equalizer. Nothing is fair to them and all of us are made equal only through equal suffering — unless you’re a Black woman. This often means Black women withstand the worst that Black men have to offer in our relationships and social encounters.
If it improves their lives or secures their cultivated, tokenized status, a detriment for some other group becomes a privilege to Black men, which they will find every way and manner to justify exploiting.
Over time, their neglect and exploitation become the legacy of our race, to the extent that it eventually becomes Black culture. (None of which, by the way, modern Black men or the last few generations of Black men want to claim any responsibility for.) When they have the money and time to reinvest into their families and local communities, many Black men simply buy their way out and leave. When their money’s right, they rush to take flight.
A Black man’s desperate pleas for escape are heavy emotional tolls to be taken on your life.
And here’s the kicker: It doesn’t take much money. Often just enough for a one-way ticket to somewhere else. Rewriting the narrative requires a huge cultural shift.
Fear and Pain
What are you more afraid of: the fear that accompanies the thought of divesting, or the thought of leaving this man — and those like him — behind? IF taking care of yourself means leaving him, so be it.
Black men pick on Black women to absolve themselves of the things they see other men successfully doing in life: getting married, raising their children, building their communities, and being successful.
A narcissist does not know how to face or process their fears in a healthy way.
Black men avoid situations that make them feel vulnerable and thus deny themselves the opportunity to ever confront or overcome their fears. Not only do they not regulate their emotions well, but they also find it very difficult to admit they need help — as seeking help is to them admitting weakness and invites questions of their manhood.
Coping and Acceptance
When you care enough to level up, confronting deep-seated issues and inner conflict is uncomfortable but necessary. Living a life in which you chronically anticipate sadness, pain, turmoil or abandonment poses a serious threat to your mental stability.
Pain can be a sign of our vitality or a clue that something is wrong.
Feel it and know that someone else’s neglect, indifference, fragility and immaturity will either toughen or numb you.
But ultimately, only you can heal you.
And with the help of a counselor or a therapist, the healing process doesn’t have to be as painful.
Learning From Your Mistakes is a Form of Self-Care
Sometimes we overlook our pain because we’re so used to it, and over time it becomes a less important factor in our decision-making than it should be. Though we shouldn’t hold onto unnecessary pain, we should very much be learning from it.
Learning from your mistakes is a form of self-care because it empowers you to break free from destructive cycles and reclaim control over your life. It allows you to recognize patterns of behavior—both in yourself and in others—that no longer serve you. When you confront and understand the painful experiences you’ve endured, especially those inflicted by people who were supposed to care for you, you gain the insight needed to make better choices in your relationships moving forward.
One painful truth I’ve discovered about Black men is that they’re more afraid of failure in relationships with non-Black women. They will endure all fear for them — sometimes fears to their safety — because they perceive these women to be more deserving of their sustained effort. For Black men, the payoff with a non-Black woman is greater than with a Black woman from his own country of origin. Her presence in their lives affirms a sense of success and privilege, one they hate themselves for longing to feel though they’re thrilled to officially be able to experience the privilege. Reminders of where they come from, especially in the form of Black women, are no longer welcome.
Taking Care of Yourself
Self-care requires courage, especially when it means walking away from relationships that perpetuate harm. It’s not just about surviving; life as a modern Black woman is about creating a life where your value is recognized and respected. By learning from your mistakes and the pain you’ve experienced, you position yourself to cultivate healthier relationships, and a happier, more peaceful life. The more we do this, the more we build a culture that values the well-being of Black women and set an example for the next generation to follow.
Acknowledging where Black men go wrong in these dynamics is crucial, but so is taking responsibility for your own healing. Self-care doesn’t just involve pampering yourself or avoiding negativity; it means setting boundaries, cutting ties when necessary, and making decisions that prioritize your mental and emotional health.
Black Women Divesting 
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