You know this man. And this man wouldn’t know empathy if it kicked him in the ass.
He’s a pain in the ass when he wants his way.
He never does anything for you without thinking of himself first. You’re an afterthought to his comfort and feelings.
Every day you feel like a character in an endless, pointless game.
Relationships with narcissistic men bring about complex pains and fears.
A man who is both Black and narcissistic can be twice as difficult to endure since, in addition to being narcissistic, he also has to deal with being a Black man. Black men have insecurities that only other Black men can relate to.
They don’t completely trust anyone because they can’t completely trust themselves. And they know you probably shouldn’t, either.
But neither a narcissist nor a Black man can resist an invitation, even if one has not been extended. They must constantly quell their feelings of inadequacy.
Your Black Man is a Narcissist: Reflections on Self and Pain
Winning and Self-Belief
Trying to believe in yourself with one of these men in your life is to be caught in a trap. You learn to oblige the endless cycle of validating them. You minimize how wrong or how dangerous they are, and the extent of their harm. All relationships with them turn into a destructive song and dance in which you both attempt to assert or resist yourselves and your true natures.
You relentlessly question your place in the world and may even doubt your own worth and desirability beyond attracting these kinds of men into your life.
And secretly, you believe in yourself. You know you have plenty to offer. But you also know you’ll never win, even if he says he’s supportive and he sticks around. A man like this calculates every decision to further one of his many self-interests. He is never doing nice things simply for the sheer pleasure of doing them, especially when he is doing nice things for you.
Identity and Comparison
Fearing failure and Black men’s rejection can be paralyzing, especially if, as a Black woman, their rejection is all you’ve known. You shouldn’t be afraid of a man like this rejecting you. You are much better off for it.
Narcissistic Black men see themselves as victims of capitalists and white men, as Black men tend to; as well as victims of hypergamous, ghetto, smart, stupid, educated, and all black women. No matter what, nothing is ever entirely their fault.
Because of this, they’ve convinced themselves in their relationships that everyone else is unfairly out to get them. Or there are entire industries sabotaging their success.
Narcissistic Black men want to feel privileged and long to experience the sense of ease white men possess. In addition to its associated racism, this is one of many reasons why they despise white privilege so much. Black men want freedom from constant comparisons and racial scrutiny — yet impose upon Black women the same expectations and prejudicial treatment the seek relief from. When they’re narcissistic, however, their loathing creates a sense of existential inadequacy. They know they will never be good enough for anyone — but will destroy you in order to convince you otherwise.
Fear and Pain
Narcissistic Black men fear pain more than anyone else. The anticipation of pain — whether it be emotional, mental, or physical — creates Black men’s hypermasculine, self-hating, and tokenized personas. These personas allow them to experience the world safely on their terms, but trap Black men in cycles of avoidance and denial. This makes it difficult to effectively resolve conflict with them or to point out their mistakes. Within the Black community, blame and tension escalate quickly when we confront them.
To them, racial and masculine identities are always at stake, as is the way they look to the rest of society.
Most Black people have learned how not to allow the presence of white comfort to define or thwart their ability to succeed or exist.
Unbeknownst to them and despite their loathing of white privilege, Black men use a racially privileged defense mechanism to insulate themselves from the damage they cause to Black women and children. Their neglect and exploitation, and the harsh realities they inflict on Black women and children, further devastate our community when they play the race card to coerce us back into place.
It never means anything to Black men if you’re a Black woman and you’re not suffering.
Black men, especially narcissistic ones, love to further Black female suffering.
Coping and Acceptance
The instinct to avoid pain and discomfort is strong. Don’t be ashamed of your pain; feel it and embrace it as something that will make you smarter. And better.
Allowing yourself to feel pain can be a powerful step towards healing from toxic men and narcissistic abuse. To allow yourself to feel pain is to acknowledge your own humanity. And you must acknowledge this, because if you’re an African American woman, most Black men are not going to acknowledge it for you.
Give yourself extra credit for the things you’ve achieved in spite of him, even when he has behaved his worst.
Finally, encountering men who go out of their way to meet you– or even better, to marry what a Black man thinks he’s too good for, can be a new reality.
Winning and Self-Belief
- The only consistent thing about your narcissistic Black man is that he shows you a different version of himself, while everyone else he encounters has a different experience.
- Don’t point out his hypocrisy to his face unless you have time for the gaslighting that will ensue.
- Hold onto your ability to believe in yourself. Especially a version of yourself without him.
Identity and Comparison
- In his mind, your black male narcissist is always comparing himself to the worst and most successful white man he can conceive of. These hypothetical men who robbed him of his rightful rung on the socioeconomic ladder — and his inability to meaningfully compete with them — dominates the narcissistic Black man’s life.
- While he’s secretly spiting and comparing himself to 6-, 7-, and 8-figure white men, your narcissistic Black man is comparing you to every race of women on the planet.
- Meanwhile, Black women are expected to only compare Black men to themselves.
Fear and Pain
- Keep a list of the ridiculous things he does and says, and examples of his outrageous emotional and verbal abuse. You’ll need these to remind yourself later.
- If he’s physically abusive, don’t come home tonight. And don’t tell anyone you’re not coming home.
Coping and Acceptance
- Don’t be ashamed of your pain; feel it and know that you may not be okay. But you’re going to be fine.
- Instead of going to church, spend some of that time and money to go to therapy. Trust me, you’ll get more out of it.
- Join Black Women Divesting at the bottom of the page. Share your story with us.
Create a Mental and Emotional Space to Disengage
Narcissistic Black men grapple with too many deep personal struggles to be good partners, fathers, or people to anyone. They fear doing the inner work to solve their emotional and mental problems. Any healthy person needs mental space away from someone who is content to disregard and degrade them. These men can’t cope with shit.
Take some mental space and focus on just yourself for 30 minutes every day. In less than a week, you’ll regain some of the self-esteem and positive feelings toward yourself you may have lost from dealing with this man. Consistently creating mental space for yourself will keep help keep you grounded while you move towards a healthier, more fulfilling life.
Black Women Divesting 
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