Episode 21: The Black Fathers Subreddit Is Empty. Even Virtually, Black Fathers Are Absent.

I thought there was one thing that would prove me wrong. It was supposed to be this.

Despite almost three-quarters of African American children being born to unmarried parents, Black fathers who stay with their families and raise who actively raise their children are admittedly among the best around.

And yet the Black Fathers subreddit is empty. I believed I’d see something different. I expected to see at least one person online, or a recent post. But there’s been no activity and this subreddit is vacant.

Episode 21: The Black Fathers Subreddit is Empty

The emptiness of the Black Fathers subreddit isn’t just a virtual void. I think their online absence kind of reflects their longstanding absence in reality. I’m honestly disappointed and heartbroken to see evidence of what Black girls and Black women have always known in our communities: that as a parent, staying in your child’s life is a matter of choice. Or in some cases, a series of choices.

Many African American dads are never around when you need them.

Like the Black Fathers subreddit, they really only care about you every couple of years.

The Myth and Reality of Black Father Absenteeism

Accountability is a personal decision everyone at some point makes.

A Black man could be a broke dad and still love his family enough to stay, to become better than whatever his present-day standards are. Around the world, many Black fathers are present, engaged, and deeply committed to their families.

It is not a matter of whatever a man wants to blame his parental failures on, but the fact that he learns to be different from them, to be better than his mistakes. When he cares, he learns how to improve upon himself the same way anyone learns how to do anything. You must practice. You must have people teaching you. Unfortunately, neither is the case for many men.

Among those of us in America, Black women probably know more white people than Black people who are married. The collective attitudes of men in general toward marriage have shifted, but the shift has been hardest felt in the African American community.

Black women here and wherever there are African American men know they’ll impregnate you without caution. Rarely do they have intentions of marrying you, and when they do marry you, they often misrepresent themselves and become different men after you exchange vows.

Many of them hate themselves or their Blackness. This is why it’s so easy for many of them to be distant or absent fathers. The rest of us are just reminders of what they don’t want to be or do.

They are comfortable devaluing women. I think that could explain why Black babies seem to have a greater chance of their father staying in their lives if their mothers aren’t Black. Even if their dad never marries their mother.

A lack of strong, productive fathers within any community affects every aspect of its culture.

When African American men fail to take responsibility for getting women pregnant and blame single mothers for the state of the world — and why they make the choices they do — no problem is solved. They perpetuate a cycle of neglect and abandonment for the next generation to someday internalize.

Black Lives Matter and Accountability

Do you remember the Million Man March?

Black men no longer seek help or support to improve themselves or their situations.

The Expectation for Black Fathers

What do Black American men need to build strong communities that they value? Lately they only seem focused on obtaining what they want, and in obtaining whatever it is in half the time it takes anyone else to get it.

No one is stopping these men. If they can work hard to find shortcuts — which often takes a lot more effort, they are capable of working hard. In America, a father can be as visible as they want to be, as present as they want to be, and as involved as any dad should be.

But many fathers prioritize what makes life easier for themselves, blaming the mothers of their children (and eventually all women) when their kids ask why they’re not there.

As a race, we will stagnate as long as Black men opt into this thinking. Only when they stop blaming us for what they leave behind will we ever thrive.

Reflections on the Pain of Absenteeism

We all create an online existence for ourselves in which we consume and engage with things that interest us. It’s hard for me to believe that even of the comparatively few Black fathers invested in their families, not one would ever search for content related to Black fatherhood online.

The Black fathers who cared enough to create this space don’t care enough to maintain it. Creating a community of any kind requires active participation.

Winning and Self-Belief

If your dad is one of these dads, sometimes you become jealous of friends who have fathers who happily spend time with them and give them great and advice.
You have no idea what it feels like to experience complete trust or dependability with a man if your dad leaves your life when he clearly had the will and means to stay. You never trust completely that any man will stay if your own father didn’t choose you. You expect your husband to love you the way your father should’ve.
Though your mother worked hard to make you feel less abandoned, and other people tell you you’re great, you never fully believe in yourself.

Identity and Comparison

For a Black woman to expect a Black man to have a stable career and be emotionally available can be considered everything from racist to hypergamous among Black men. (They really do have an excuse for everything.)