Episode 20: Black Women Unmasking Black Men’s Victim Complex

Dear Black men:

I will acknowledge that you’ve been victimized. I will acknowledge that victimization still happens to Black men and occurs within and outside of our communities. I will not, however, acknowledge that other people continue to victimize you at every turn. Within our community many problems are not the fault of white people. Even fewer of those problems can be blamed on Black women, especially when we shoulder most of our families and communities alone.

Something’s not right.

Ladies, any man who blames other people for his problems will ruin your life. He will destroy both of you and brag to other superficial men about your undoing. Men like this are hateful and spend every moment of their lives envious of others. They deflect from vulnerability and mask their vitriol and insecurities behind jokes and sarcasm. Some men like this can learn to be endearing, but this will require too much of your time.

Sensitive, damaged, and often traumatized, men who blame other people for what happens to them also tend to refute anything that doesn’t reinforce whatever narrative they believe about themselves. For them, everything is always someone else’s fault, no matter what they didn’t do to solve the problem.

Don’t settle for entitled men with victim complexes.

To Black men, everything is a problem that affects Black men. But nothing they do is a problem that affects you.

Their hypocritical shame for their race, and their proximity to Blackness or Black culture often prompts Black male creators to cosign existing stereotypes of Black women. Sometimes they invent new stereotypes altogether, which result in misrepresentations of Black women that go unquestioned by society because they come from Black men, or, in other words, other Black people.

Portrayals of Black women in the media are either stereotypes furthered by white people, or perspectives from bitter Black male creators who are outspoken in their criticism of us. Among both groups, the “strong Black woman” is the best one we’ve got while the “angry Black woman,” can ruin your professional reputation. There’s neither a trope nor a productive stereotype in between.

Even when Black male creators do succeed in creating authentic portrayals of Black women, they often exploit our trauma and profit from our pain, much of which they cause.

The Problem with Stereotypical Portrayals

Black women are not mammies. Nor are we hypersexualized bullies who enjoy disrespecting and emasculating men. Black women don’t erupt into violence or make a habit of terrorizing innocent people. Many of us simply want explanations for why Black men refuse to be respectful. Or accountable.

Most Black women don’t look or act how the media or bitter Black men would have you to believe. Portrayals like these reduce Black women to simplistic, one-dimensional caricatures who lack basic humanity.

When these portrayals are all that we see reflected back to the world, Black women begin to question whether we’re really seeing ourselves as we exist to others in the world. Are there perceptions accurate? Do we really behave this way? Or is something getting lost in translation?

Black men, however, never think of themselves this way.

To Black men, every social or cultural problem is either white people’s or Black women’s faults.

When we see ourselves portrayed authentically, Black women also see the number of Black male critics increase. They emerge with reductive criticisms attacking our worth, our potential, and everything we’ve accomplished.

Our portrayals are never allowed to reflect our real lives if choosing to be vulnerable will bring real-life harm to Black men. But what it means to be a Black woman involves a lot of what Black men don’t want to acknowledge. To themselves, or to the world.

Authentic representation of Black women should start with Black women.

1. Film and Television: Shows like Insecure have been praised for their realistic portrayals of Black women. Created by and starring Issa Rae, Insecure offers a nuanced depiction of modern Black womanhood, exploring themes such as career struggles, friendship, and love.
   
2. Literature: Writers like Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie and Roxane Gay delve into the intricacies of Black women’s lives. Adichie’s Americanah explores the intersection of race, immigration, and identity, while Gay’s Hunger provides a raw, personal account of body image and trauma.
   
3. Visual Art: Artists like Kerry James Marshall and Amy Sherald create powerful visual representations of Black women. Marshall’s paintings depict everyday Black life with depth and dignity, while Sherald’s portraits, including the famous image of Michelle Obama, celebrate the individuality and grace of Black subjects. These artists provide a counter-narrative to the often negative and stereotypical imagery in mainstream media.

For Black women, supporting and creating our own representation, and refusing to engage in Black men’s self-victimization is a way for us to reclaim the culture, even if we’re forced to leave the community behind.

Keep unlearning harmful messages.

Keep sharing your stories, Black women.

We are the only ones who will accurately record our existence.