As Black women, we often grapple with pressures from the men in our lives and our families to be perfect, and to fix the flaws in ourselves and others around us. What can result is an inability to set clear boundaries in our relationships — or dating losers whose ideas of being “good men” consist of paying half the bills and not hitting us.
So, you dated a loser.
Determining whether your partner is contributing positively to your life or whether he’s dragging you down can be challenging, especially you share of history of trauma with this man. Try to weigh the positive value he adds to your life, mental health, emotional well-being, and future success. This will help quell the urge to fix someone who isn’t willing to change.
How to Tell If Your Man Is a Loser
If a man is detrimental to your growth, he is a loser. If a man does not care about your happiness, can’t compromise to resolve conflict effectively, or has an excuse for everything that happens to him — including his own thoughts and actions, he also is a loser.
Other signs of a man being a loser include:
- a persistent lack of ambition or accountability
- a lack of purpose
- a lack of structure
- an endless search for meaning in everything and everyone but himself
So, you wasted your time.
It’s tempting to believe that with enough effort, any issue can be resolved — especially in a relationship. But holding on to the idea that everything can be fixed prolongs your suffering, wastes your energy, and blocks good things and people from coming your way.
Some problems are fundamentally unfixable and stem from deep-seated incompatibilities or require changes that one or both parties can’t or won’t make. Especially as a woman, recognizing when it’s time to move on and redirect your efforts demonstrates self-respect. Don’t get burned by good intentions or by another person’s dream.
How to Tell When Things Aren’t Worth Fixing
A healthy relationship is characterized by mutual respect, support, and open communication. If you are unable to express yourself without fear of retribution, indifference, or abandonment from your partner, you are not in a healthy relationship. The goal in any relationship should be to help each other grow.
But if:
- You’re losing an increasing amount of trust in this person
- And even when they’re being honest, what they’re saying feels untrue
- You lose your sense of peace around them
- You anticipate negativity and become anxious when they appear
- You never feel secure in your relationship
- You are always going to bed alone
- They stop imagining a shared future
- They’re indifferent to your presence
It is well beyond time to leave. None of this is conducive to a nurturing or emotionally fulfilling relationship, nor will any of it make you a better person. Or an attractive person, especially when you have to explain to another person why you allowed yourself to be treated this way.
You hate yourself.
I don’t want this for you, but I understand if you hate yourself. Having self-compassion can be difficult in a culture that devalues you.
Self-compassion is not self-pity. Self-compassion is the kindness you extend to yourself as you explore your imperfections. It involves recognizing that you deserve love and respect from yourself, even when you don’t meet your own expectations.
Misogyny Within the Black Community
The Black community’s expectations for Black women will always be misogynistic.
From being expected to endure excessive burdens and traumas without complaint to facing even harsher scrutiny for how we look and what we achieve, Black women are doubly affected by race and gender in our community. Black men can be very bigoted toward black women. Often among Black women, we refer to this as “misogynoir,” a term which many Black men passionately loathe.
Addressing misogynoir means challenging Black cultural norms that support the neglect and abuse of Black women by Black men. Avoid anyone who propagates these standards. Remove them from your life.
Some people can’t be saved.
One of the hardest truths to accept in all of your relationships is that not everyone can be saved. Trying to save someone, especially from themselves, leaves you feeling frustrated, exhausted, and anxious as you grow to feel responsible for their well-being, which is an impossible burden for you to bear.
When divesting from toxic people, you must remember that you are not responsible for their growth or healing. Accepting this sooner rather than later will save you much needed energy which you can redirect towards yourself.
Trying to save someone who doesn’t want to be saved is futile; people who don’t want to be saved don’t believe they have anything to lose. Which is likely true, since most of them haven’t built anything, anyway. To spend time with them is to gamble with your life.
Let go of counterproductive relationships and watch your self-esteem soar.
Black Women Divesting 
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