Episode 8: Divesting into Something Beautiful

Don’t mind me while I rant.

Many black men don’t believe emotional or mental abuse exists, which is convenient for American black men since most have been severely emotionally neglected. Poorly socialized in childhood, mentally abused by society, and neglected by their fathers, African American men struggle to make sense of their position in American society as adults. It’s not uncommon within the black community for black men to project this emptiness onto their women, children, and families when they remain present. Nowhere is this emptiness felt more greatly than by those of us in their families or homes.

Because many have grown up without fathers — or they grew up with live-in deadbeats (who may have also been their biological fathers), black men prioritize and understand their emotional health through the emotional bonds they share with their mothers, often to the detriment of their own romantic relationships.

Due to this emotional codependence imposed by their mothers, and the social displacement they feel in Western society, even fewer black men have learned effectively regulate their emotion, especially in group settings or when challenged. Their love comes with struggle, and African American men inflict upon their women and children some of the most tumultuous psychic and emotional pain any woman can imagine her family having to endure.

As boys, African American men rarely see loving black men being great husbands. If there is a dad at home, he’s either preoccupied with an all-consuming hobby that takes time and energy away from his family, or indifferent to the lives and pain that he inflicts upon those in his care. Unless they’ve had strong, positive fathers who’ve demonstrated how a great man loves his wife, black men don’t believe this kind of love–a love that doesn’t always have one foot out the door–is possible. Nor do they see themselves as responsible for learning that it is, and how to achieve it.

Even the phrase “emotionally available” seems a mere notion to a number of black men. As a group, black men struggle with the idea of emotional availability. Many distrust therapy, due to paranoia and a fear of vulnerability. Black men don’t ever want to be told their cultured, gendered, and racially identified worldview is objectively wrong, or that their actions as a result of those beliefs make them possible abusers.

Finally, extreme possessiveness and high degrees of emotional incest between mothers and sons is everyone’s problem in our community. Many of us inadvertently train our sons to meet the emotional needs our men are neglecting.

1. Divesting from Harmful Relationships

For many Black women, divesting includes reevaluating and, if necessary, withdrawing from relationships with black men that are harmful or draining.

• Romantic Relationships: This involves stepping away from romantic partners who are abusive or neglectful, and any one-sided relationships with people (especially black men) who do not reciprocate the effort you put into the relationship.
• Friendships and Family: The same goes for black male friends and family members who constantly overstep established boundaries of autonomy, good taste, and mutual respect. Divesting as a black woman means cutting off the toxic and unsupportive, and if you’re unable to cut ties completely, placing as much distance between you and your toxic people as possible. You do not have to tolerate degradation and disrespect. DO NOT allow these people to make you feel as empty as they are inside.

2. Divesting from Stereotypes

Black women divesting from stereotypes is about us prioritizing our own mental, emotional, and physical health by refusing to indulge and cater to other people’s negative expectations of us.

• Self-Care Practices: This self-care is mental. Stop listening to the trash black men in your life. Even your black male friends, uncles, and brothers. Don’t listen to them complain about other black women. Don’t listen to them complain about white people. Don’t validate these men in any way. Every second you spend paying them attention is another second you take away from yourself.
• Seeking out other Black women: Divesting from stereotypes of black women means supporting media, literature, and art that counteracts negative and stereotypical portrayals of us. We all don’t have the same black experiences. But we all need to actively resist the “strong Black woman” stereotype that keeps us neglecting our own needs and well-being. Find black women that you can either learn from or relate to fill your new inner circle.

3. Divesting from Black Men’s Expectations

Black women divesting from black men’s expectations free themselves of the innate emptiness these men project onto us. Many are so vocal in demanding we prove ourselves worthy of basic respect due to their ongoing search for their lost worth.

• Embrace black men’s imperfection by walking away from them. Allow them the freedom to fuck up on their own without constantly feeling the need to prove you can help them in some way. End competing for their approval, praise, and validation. mistakes without feeling the need to constantly prove their worth.
• Don’t ask for their opinions on anything, for any reason. Protect yourself from their inner conflict and subpar treatment by eliminating their input from your life. Let these men live up to their own expectations while you work to live up to yours.

In Summary

As a strategy, black women divesting is a way for us to free ourselves from toxic relationships with black men and their sycophants who devalue and exploit us.

Divesting means you can finally find peace. Mental clarity. Less stress. And an emotionally available and supportive partner who knows that being a good man means more than just staying in the house.