Episode 23: Maybe You’re the Problem: Time to Self-Assess and Recharge

Self-reflection is a critical aspect often overlooked when dating. It’s essential to consider how our own behaviors, attitudes, and past experiences influence who we attract.

Black women who prefer to date Black men are at somewhat of a disadvantage, due in part to rabid social media communities spewing prolific misogynoir.

Another reason is our tendency to sabotage ourselves when in relationships with Black men. Those of us who do this do so for the sake of upholding a cultural identity or promoting a cherished or toxic ideal (within the Black community, this can be both).

It is seen as less acceptable among many Black communities for great numbers of Black women to promote and celebrate dating outside our race. Black men are rolling stones, in this regard, and face no consequences or degradation for doing so, though many would lose their minds to learn their Black female partner(s) had replaced them with a white man.

In the presence of misogynoir and shared racial trauma bonds — especially if you’re British or American — understanding our patterns as Black women can help us choose men who are better than the ones we’re used to.

Breaking the Cycle of Toxic Relationships

Recognizing and breaking the cycle of toxic relationships is a daunting task.

But from now on, it is your responsibility to keep these things from happening to you.

Breaking a toxic cycle requires not only awareness but also the courage to do whatever it takes to solve a problem. And understanding when the problem could be you.

In Black communities, cutting ties with toxic Black men is often actively discouraged. but Black men continue to embrace the notion that they can’t do or change anything… and even if they could, you, a Black woman, just aren’t worth the effort.

Embracing Personal Growth

Many of us fall into familiar patterns because patterns provide a sense of predictability, despite some of them being harmful. Start recognizing when things are harmful to you.

When you sharpen your focus, you can home in on what’s best for you and develop an almost psychic ability to spot and avoid nonsense, even your own. Breaking these habits might require you to set stronger boundaries, cut certain people from your life, or withdraw from problematic ideologies. Remember, it is okay to go to therapy.

Self-improvement not only benefits you but also enhances the quality of your interactions with those who appreciate the time and work you’ve put into yourself. This appreciation allows you to establish healthier relationship dynamics with new people that you meet.

Recognizing your own value and refusing to settle for less than what you deserve is a powerful first step toward healthier, less traumatic relationships.

It’s easy to blame external factors for your problems but that’s not always productive. It’s always best to look inward and examine how our own behavior patterns contribute to the situations we find ourselves in. Could you we have done some differently to avoid ending up here? If so, why didn’t we do it when we had the chance?

Why are we not protecting ourselves?

The Role of Self-Reflection in Dating

Importance of Self-Reflection: Self-reflection is a critical aspect often overlooked when dating. It’s essential to consider how our own behaviors, attitudes, and past experiences influence who we attract.
Challenges for Black Women: When it comes to Black men, Black women are at a disadvantage, partly due to the rise of misogynoir across social media communities. Another reason is the tendency for some Black women to sabotage themselves in relationships with Black men to uphold a cultural identity or promote a cherished or toxic ideal within the Black community.
Perception of Interracial Dating: In many Black communities, it’s less acceptable for large numbers of Black women to promote and celebrate dating outside their race. In contrast, Black men often face no consequences for dating outside the race, although many might react strongly if their Black female partner left them for a white man.
Impact of Misogynoir and Racial Trauma Bonds: The presence of misogynoir and shared racial trauma bonds—especially among African Americans—makes it crucial for Black women to understand their dating patterns and the underlying reasons for them. This understanding can help them choose partners who are healthier and more compatible than those they may have previously been accustomed to.

Coping and Acceptance

What do you place more faith in: yourself, or the potential of your ideal relationship?

Don’t be ashamed of your mistakes with this man. There are plenty of women who have made far worse mistakes and have only done half as much to correct them, yet they’re happy in relationships where they don’t have to keep apologizing for things they did 12 years ago.