Episode 11: Divested Paths: Getting to Where You Want to Be in Life

The one thing I have yet to hear from a Black man is a sincere interest in my lifetime goals. There hasn’t been one Black man in my life who has ever hyped me up — or my goals — the way that I’ve always done for them and theirs.

Yet I still struggle with a certain feeling — almost guilt — that accompanies the idea of divesting, because it can initially feel as if you’re turning your back on your own people. I refer to it as “almost guilt” because usually as it begins to emerge, I remember Black men have been doing just this — turning their backs on their own communities and people (or selling them out) — for the last 80 years. The feeling quickly subsides as my desire for self-preservation kicks in.

Black women before us have always known.

These men have always been like this. Men of this kind and character have always defined our community’s frameworks and culture.

We were sold a dream, one that Black women especially can’t afford in a time when our ability to dream determines our ability to thrive. Does being a Black woman who divests from Black men and Black culture make you racist toward your own if these same people neglect and devalue you?

Or have you been holding on to someone else’s dream for a very long time, a dream of Black people who expectations seemed up until now far more mature and successful than we were at their age?

With the exception of celebrating promiscuity and excessive consumption, American Black culture has always been this way. Toxicity among the group is as genetic as our race. And these men have always been for themselves. The ideals we thought our elders embodied feel like a myth, like a dream that never was.

Embracing an Adult Perspective

With an adult perspective, you realize many of your role models shouldn’t have been personal role models at all. Our civil rights leaders and esteemed church families, and neighbors and aunties, and Black celebrities you knew as a child look quite differently once, as an adult, you learn their transgressions.

At their best, these people were never teaching us anything they knew for sure; they were playing their part and figuring things out as they went along.

At their worst, however, many of them were absolute trash. Embarrassments to the community all along.

Black women’s happily ever afters have always looked different from everyone else’s, despite us wanting the same things every woman wants. Yet we tolerate far more from our men and our community, only to receive less than the bare minimum that other women expect. If they ever attempt to explain this phenomenon, Black men say we bring it on ourselves. According to them, we get less because we deserve less. We deserve less because we are less. And if they mean well, they simply can’t give more because it’s some other party or system’s fault.

Black culture accepts as normal, especially when it comes to dating Black men, substandard expectations for their conduct and how they treat us. Part of divesting is discarding these limitations in order to spare your mental health and safeguard your future.

We’re burdened with limitations placed on us by others, especially within our own families and communities. But Black women are nothing if not hard working. And determined. We can plan our way out of anything. When we tap into it, we have a unique strength that allows us to master setting and achieving long-term goals.

Make a 3-Year Plan for Yourself

Whatever your goals are, break them down into measurable milestones. This will form the basis of your 3-year plan.

Your plan should outline your personal, professional, and financial goals for the next three years. If you’ll need to relocate, then plan that move. If there’s a relationship you need to end that you can’t right now, what steps will you take, one after the other, to get away?

If your goal is to date better men, what do the men you want find attractive? And where will you be willing to compromise?

What traits do you already have for your next new job? And what skills will you need to acquire?

Having a clear plan allows you to take control of your life. It also safeguards against cultural groupthink and baggage that can corrupt your future.

Calculate the Money It Will Take You to Get There

Once you have a clear vision of your three-year plan, crunch the numbers. Figure out how much money you’ll need to successfully execute this phase of your goal.

Consider all aspects of your financial situation, including how much you make, the debts you have, and how you’re spending your money. Gather this information and take it to a financial advisor.

If that sounds intimidating, don’t worry — most banks have financial planners you can speak with for free. (But remember, you do get what you pay for.) By preparing yourself the right way, you can protect yourself from irresponsible losses.

Keep Private Business to Yourself

Sharing your plans isn’t always a good idea.

Sharing too much often leads to unsolicited advice, criticism, and negativity that aren’t constructive. These can derail your focus and motivation, so maintaining your privacy is crucial in executing your plan. Don’t discuss anything about what you’re doing for yourself with your community or on social media. Don’t discuss any of it until you’ve already done it.

You don’t have to isolate yourself.

But instead, be selective about who you allow access to your private thoughts. Even with people you do trust, don’t tell them about your goals until you’ve gotten halfway through your milestones. By safeguarding your early phases, you preserve the integrity of your vision and avoid unnecessary input and distractions.

Leverage Ambition and Knowledge to Get What You Want

Ambition makes you want to aim higher and push beyond conventional limits.

Knowledge, on the other hand, equips you with the insight and skills to navigate your journey. Over the next few weeks, start hanging out with people who have both. Your goals will begin to align with the those of your ideal self.

Black women who are divesting are walking away from the pressure to have our lives defined by men who don’t want us, communities that neglect us, and the host of others who use our images for their soapbox claims.

But if we keep our business private, we can be a quiet force. We can work our network of like-minded Black women who have enough of the bullshit. Only then can we begin to go where we want to be.

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